i was in line at peet's the other day and i overheard something in spanish behind me:
senora: [big sigh] tenemos lo que tenemos.
we have what we have.
i'd have to say that this year has been anything but that. after fours years of it being all about my students in Oakland, and eye-opening experiences in cambodia, and the work of justice in both of those places, this year has just been about me wanting more and me working harder towards getting it.
i don't regret my decision to go back to grad school. i think it is a much needed break and is giving me some time to think about life and calling in a different way. but i do regret that a lot of this past year has been about the pursuit of things i thought i had stopped pursuing. i even applied to a couple of doctoral programs to keep the door open for dr. ngo (c'mon - i'd be Dr. Ngo!!!). [it's a good thing i did not get in because it would have been very hard to say no]. i have been stressing out about how to get to where i think i want to go and even worse, where i think i deserve to go.
sometime this year i unearthed the entitlement demon - the one that makes you think that you are of untouchable grace and deserving of blessing (see jesus in the wilderness). because i went to a great school and have reserves of human capital, i somehow think i am deserving of something more.
i have lost my way.
waiting for a return to when i have what i have, and that is enough.
